July 06, 2004

I'm only human... i never said I was God...
You have to be a Lenny Kravitz fan to know the song. Anyway, I found myself sitting at a bar on a Friday night when someone said to me "Thank God you're human!". My coworker offered this unsolicited observation while she watched me break down after a few hard weeks. I guess everyone at work just think of me as this happy-go-lucky girl who does not have a care or worry in the world. Specially the people that I hang with at the softball/v-ball games - they all think everything is good with me, that nothing gets to me.

Until Friday.

I organized a 'happy hour' for my friend Todd coz he was moving on to better things. The invite I sent out said be at the bar at 5:30 - six of us were there at 3:30. By 5 PM, all six of us were hammered. The two hours after that was a blur. And by 7:30, I was upset, sitting at the bar with this girl who I barely knew, apparently pouring my hearts out to her and saying 'please don't let them see me this way'. I can remember her saying "All I can think about is thank God you're human! You always seem so perfect none of us expect this from you'".

How naive. Little did they know that there's so much things going on in my head that they'd be dizzy trying to figure me out. But I guess i do put forth that kind of image around here - always friendly, always happy, as if nothing could go wrong. People come to my desk to say hi and have a bit of 'fresh air' even though I sit all the way at the back of the building where any air available is nowhere near being fresh. But its not a front. That's who I am. And I try not to let things get to me. But I guess I've had way too much going on that the little bit of alcohol I had pushed me to an ugly place I have never been in. And I would never ever want to be in that position again.

Its great to see that I have made good friends here at work. Out of the six I hang out with that night, 4 of them checked to make sure I'm ok. And the same four offered their time if i ever needed anyone to talk to...

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