January 21, 2004

A regression is in order.
A few years back, I remember receiving an email with the subject line the same as the title of this post. I braised myself prior to opening the email. I knew flames were going to fly out of it. I expected it. I did someone wrong and the least I deserved were some harsh words delivered electronically. But there weren't any harsh words. I wish there were. Instead, I felt the pain I inflicted on this person in every word that was contained in that email. I felt it cut through my skin even worse than what it would have felt had it contained profanity instead. This person told me how i made him feel. How disappointing I was. How I wasn't the person he thought I was going to be.

And now I feel this same karma circling around. Except the author of the email is going to be me. Should I entitle an email 'A regression is in order' just because I felt so rejected? Because I was disappointed on the kind of person this being turned out to be?

Who am I kidding. Writing such email will leave me feeling pathetic. I think I'll get better satisfaction writing an email telling this person exactly what I think - 'you're full of your f*ckin self, you selfish, unworthy, loser'. That would probably be my opening line. Very fitting I think.

On second thought, we create our own ideas about other people. We think we see them for the person that they present themselves to be but in reality, we see them for what WE want them to be. In a way, part of the blame on how people turn out to be rests on our shoulders. We're disappointed because we built up these people in our minds when in fact all the signs are right there flashing in front of our faces. But we're in denial. We don't want to see the red light. We continue to believe what we want to believe.

So, maybe I should give this person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was all me reading the signs all wrong. It won't be surprising if that's the case. I've done it before - plenty of times. I won't be surprised if I did it again (oooppss!).

Come to think of it... naaaah, still a selfish, unworthy, loser.

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