January 31, 2004

I am, what Aud might call, an Emotional Asshole.
To better understand this post, refer to Aud's January 30th post.

And it's true. No matter how hard I ignore my emotions... no matter how I try to be hard inside and out... no matter how often I say 'fuck everyone else'... I'm still an emotional asshole.

As much as I want to be 'dead inside' like Aud and Andrew, deep down there's no denying that I'm alive. There are those times when I've walked away from ugly situations all smug about the outcome, thinking I couldn't have handled things better. I'm sure during said situations, the person I'm walking away from wish for me to rot in hell, convinced that I'm emotionally inept, refer to me as 'that heartless bitch' and end up totally convinced that I'm 'dead inside'. But more often than not, I walk away from ugly situations wishing I could take things back... Granted sometimes it takes me a bit of time to actually realize and feel guilty about what I've said/done and how much damage I've inflicted on others (emotionally? physically?). But I do get to that point where I feel genuinely bad and end up agonizing about the outcome of my words/actions.

Conversely, when I'm in the receiving end of meanness, when people act like assholes toward me, I try to ignore the fact that their actions/words have greatly affected me. There are a lot of times when I triumph over my feelings and stay unaffected. But there are also those times when I end up getting hurt because of being too emotionally involved. And these are the times I hate the most.

With the risk of being labeled as a geek, I will refer to Data, the android in the classic show Star Trek: The Next Generation. I sometimes envy the fact that he is full of information, can act based on logical choices, and not have his emotions as a factor of the choices he makes. You can say anything offensive to him and he doesn't end up in therapy for years to come.

There are a lot of people that I've known for years, have caused me so much grief, yet I choose to keep them around. It's harder for me, than it is for Aud, to write people off and burn the bridges that I've invested so much time and emotions in building with them over the years. Often times I forget about my own feelings in consideration of others’. This is probably why I ended up the bitter person that I am today.

I do believe that Aud and Andrew belong to the emotionally elite group. But I don't believe that they are dead inside. They choose not to care about petty things that we 'emotional assholes' care so much about. As for me, I don't know if I'll be part of that elite group any time soon. I am trying to not be too attached to anything or anyone new that crosses my path. Specially since, as it is, I am attached to a lot of things and a lot of people that I really should distance myself from. Even if I start today, there's way too many bridges that I have to burn to rid myself of all the emotional baggage I've managed to carry around all these years. It'll take years for me to master ignoring feelings - both mine and others - but I think I'm well on my way.

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