December 16, 2003


In between dreams and reality

I sit here pondering if I'm awake or dreaming. Physically, I'm here filling a seat, pretending to do what I'm supposed to be doing. But mentally, i am elsewhere. My mind is wandering somewhere where it shouldn't wander. Its not wanted there yet it can't seem to find its way back to reality. Is it drugs? No. Although I have no idea how it feels like to be in some kind of drug besides those prescribed to me (and even those I sometimes refuse to take). Is it alcohol? I wish. I wish someone spiked my coffee with lots and lots of baileys and kahlua but not a hint of it from the cups I already had. My heart is racing but my mind is still. Still searching for that exit. Still looking for a way out of this daze and insanity.

I just walked back and forth to the filing cabinet looking for one contract for one client. One. 6 times. Atleast. And still i came back empty handed. Each time I went after the first I told myself 'write the name down' yet each time i walked there without doing so. And each time I came back with nothing. I can't even think straight. I need my mind back.

People have noticed. I'm not here. I'm elsewhere. And I can't seem to get back to where I need to be. One call will probably bring me back but the phone hasn't rang. Perhaps a smile. Perhaps some kind of shock. But who's going to call? Who's going to smile? Who's going to deliver the shock? Who's going to bring me back? Who can bring me back? Only myself, i think. Until then, I shall remain in between.

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