March 27, 2003


*twiddling thumbs*

Sooooo... I got laid off from work on Wednesday. In retrospect, maybe it happened at a very opportune time since I've been so burnt out with all the projects I've been working on. I still have to get used to the fact that I do not have to wake up at 7 in the morning to get ready for work and sleep at 2 in the morning to finish up the day's work. I was at the brim of flipping out. The project that I was working on was supposed to wrap up its second iteration on Friday - that's been keeping me awake at night because after Friday, a new iteration starts and its promising to be more stressful than the one we were about to close out. But now I dont have to deal with that. I don't have to stress about it. I don't have to drive an hour and a half to get to work.

I was working from home on Wednesday when I saw an unexpected email come in. Meeting at 3 PM. This was at 2 PM. I called my girl A to find out what's going on. She was freaking out so I freaked out as well. She said to come and so I did. I must have been averaging 100 mph to get to the office in an hour. I made it with a few minutes to spare. I decided to sit up front coz if this guy - the one who broke the news to us - was going to tell me that I no longer have a job, I wanted him to look me in the eye. I was fine at first. I stared at him with disgust. I glared at him with disgust. I had contempt for him and his croonies. Just a week ago we were ok. We were urged on to work harder because we had a deal. So I busted my ass more than I usually did. But this week it all changed. All our hard work, thrashed. I was fine. I was angry. Biggest mistake i made during that meeting was look behind me. There's Gen and A sitting behind me. Then I saw MV, then Luis, then Deb. Then I saw the entire room. A room filled with people who I like. People who I've spent a lot of time with. People who's been through so much with me while working for this company. I will no longer see them everyday or complain to them and vent with them about how we're treated at work. I held back the tears but no matter how I tried they just poured out. I sat there silently. Cried silently with my coworkers.

So now what do I do? Everyone keeps on telling me this is for the better. That any change is good. How come I feel like crap then? I'm not saying 'oh good, now I can do whatever I want. Now I can wake up late. etc...'. I'm just the type of person that's not used to not doing anything. And not just anything. I'm used to working. I'm used to coordinating things. I'm used to being in-charge. Now I feel almost empty.

I think the biggest fear I have is not having that feeling of independence when you're working. You earn the money. You get to do what you want in your own terms. You get to buy things with your hard earned money. You get to contribute to stuff needed at home. Now I feel like I have to depend on people. I know it hasn't been that long but already I'm falling in the pit of desperation. Its almost upsetting to look at the clock coz everytime I do I think of what I'd be doing at work at that time. Maybe I've invested so much time on my job. I don't know. But I miss it. And I'm mad at those people for saying we failed. 'WE' didn't fail. 'THEY' failed. 'WE' did our job. 'WE' put in all the hours necessary to finish the product. 'THEY' collected the money and even doing that 'THEY' screwed up. And now, look. I'm worrying about stupid things I never had to worry about before.

My poor dog - she'll have to go on a diet now.

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