March 18, 2003


I think I'm part werewolf

While driving home tonight, I saw the full moon and I almost started howling. It was beautiful. I always find myself mesmerized by the moon. I think it's romantic it almost makes me want to gag.

Anyway, this good weather is putting me in such a good mood. Out of character for me, some would say, specially at work. I found myself writing the following to a friend:

"...It's been soooo gorgeous here lately it's putting everyone in an absolutely good mood - me included! There were atleast 4 people in the office that commented on how happy i seem today - must have somethin to do with them catching me dancing in the hallways and me not caring about it....."

Meanwhile other people are worrying about the U.S. going to war. It's so weird. I feel like I should be more worried myself. But I'm not. Not because I think the U.S. will kick Saddam's ass to kingdom come, I'm sure the U.S. can if we really want to. I just don't think it's going to happen. I'm sort of split on the war-no war thing. Sure we should all be looking at the bigger picture - that the U.S. is doing this to save the world from what Saddam might actually be capable of doing (and everyone will be eternally grateful to U.S. for doing such a bold, brave move). And sure we're probably way ahead of ourselves and reacting to something that might not even be true (i.e. Saddam could actually have a heart of gold (highly unlikely but possible) and is probably not planning to take over the entire universe). I just don't want to believe that we're going to go do something so stupid, like go to war, without any merit to it. There's something that we, the public, don't know. There's something behind that bigger picture which is why there are some people in the government that are very adamant into going to war.

Or maybe I'm just in denial.

When I sat down to do some work at home (yes, I take home some work to keep myself from staying late at the office) something hit me. My friend Jing is in the military. I felt nervous. He messaged me earlier and I failed to response right away. When I sent my reply he was already offline. I had to call him to make sure he's still in town. That he hasn't shipped out. The few seconds I waited for someone to pick up the phone dragged like forever. But he picked up the phone. And he's still in town. And he's ok. And I hope he remains in town. And I hope he remains ok.

Some people think of me as this cold-blooded, non-caring person. Maybe I am like that sometimes. But I care a lot about my family, my friends, the people I interact with everyday. I care about their family, friends and people they interact with everyday. I care about their families' families, their friend's friends, etc... I care about a lot of things and a lot of people. I care that my friend Trish's younger brother is in Kuwait at the moment. I care about how Trish must be worried about this fact. I care that Jing might be shipped out to whereever. I care about the men and women who are sent to participate in this war, some probably against their will. If this war does happen, I care about how it will affect everyone whether I know them or not.

I feel guilty that I'm not as worried as I should be. I'm trying to put this war thing in the back of my mind. I have tons of things that I already worry about day in and day out. I'd rather not think of 9-11. I'd rather not think about how I watched the billowing smoke from the twin towers from the office window where I work some 30+ miles away from New York while I dial the phone frantically trying to locate my family and friends that were in Manhattan at that time meanwhile everyone else around me were doing the same thing in their own offices and with their own phones. I'd rather not think of the soldiers deployed all over the mideast. I'd rather not think of what missiles are pointed where. Should I stock up on food? Should I have filled up my gas tank before we hit midnight? Should I work from home tomorrow and sit on the couch and watch TV and wait and see what kind of casualties there's going to be? I'd rather not think about all that. It's not that I don't care. I'm in denial. Can you blame me?

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